Tuesday, Jan. 03, 2006
I WONDER
I wonder if they know how horrible it makes me feel to know they blame my existence on all of there problems. I wonder if they know it makes me wish I didn't exist everytime they throw a tantrum and expose their jealousy of my relationship with the most wonderful mom in the world.
My every accomplishment is jaded and tainted by their comments and doubts. When I was going to get married they bitched about it being too soon after J passed away, they worried more about the memory of him instead of the happiness of their flesh and blood.
When I bought my house, they told everyone and still believe that my parents bought my house and pay my mortgage, they give no credit to the fact that I work and R works his ass off to not have to live in a rented apartment.
And now they fight over the fact that my mom will babysit my little girl when I have to go back to work because they never had a babysitter in my mom and so with their actions they even make this beautiful time in my life seem wrong and as if I just am here to cause pain.
I wonder if they know how ashamed I am to say they are my family when they act this way, I wonder if they know how it affects Mom when they call her and yell at her, how her health isnt the same and everytime they judge she feels less like fighting to be well.
I wonder if they know how it makes me feel to KNOW that they would be happier and better off if I just wasn't around. Having this baby is scaring me and I wonder if they will get their wish and soon I won't be around.
THEY WILL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH THEY HURT ME... I PRAY TO GOD THAT IF I EVER HAVE ANOTHER BABY AFTER THIS ONE THAT THEY NEVER KNOW THE PAIN OF HAVING SISTERS TO RESENT YOU!!!
r-y-r at 4:34 PM
