Monday, Jun. 20, 2005
The Rush
One of the things that terrifies me the most about being married is the fact that I will never again feel the butterflies and the rush of beginning a relationship. I will never again experience a “first kiss” or a “first date”. I usually feel very guilty about having these fears and about sometimes trying to remember what it felt like to have that first kiss, not with my husband but with someone else.
I love my husband dearly, yet sometimes I wish he were more exciting. I do remember how it felt when we were first dating, it was fun and exciting, yet he is not the type of person who is passionate about anything. I have never seen him so excited that he cannot wait to have me and I have never seen him go wild with passion over anything. I have learned to accept all of that, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss that feeling.
My only male best friend is simply gorgeous, not only is he gorgeous he is just one of the nicest people I have had the pleasure of meeting. We have known each other for over 10 years and even though we tried dating over 3 years ago, I think we were both scared of ruining the friendship we had, so we just suddenly stopped. I don’t think our relationship changed after we dated, he still came around once in a while and talked about his problems. We even said that if we were still both single when we were 30, we would marry each other. The day I got married, he was at my house while I was getting ready and he watched me as I came out of my room on my fathers hand and smiled like he always used to, but he told my mom “she didn’t wait for me”. I wonder many times if he had ever given me an inkling that he wanted to try to work on a relationship if I would have waited. I couldn’t wait forever though.
To this day, after kissing infinity of men and being married for almost two years, I close my eyes and remember that first kiss I had with him. I remember what I had on, I remember the butterflies and the exact way his hands were positioned, I remember the passion he expressed and sometimes wish I could see half of that passion in my husband sometimes. I wonder if he ever remembers that moment, how right it felt, how not strange it was and if he has ever had a first kiss like that one again.
I also wonder if this is some sort of cheating, if this is at all as wrong as I feel it sometimes is. I am sad today not for him, but for that feeling I had when I was in his arms.
r-y-r at 10:30 AM
