Monday, Feb. 07, 2005
Gloomy Gloomy Becky
I have had a really bad week. I had been avoiding taking a pregnancy test because I just KNEW I wasn’t pregnant, but I had to get it done in order to keep up with the treatments my doctor had suggested. I guess I was also avoiding it because as long as I didn’t have a negative result I could hold on to the hope of becoming pregnant. Needless to say I did the test and my prediction was correct; no baby here this month. I know it’s only the first cycle of the treatment, but still it hurts to see the words “not pregnant” on the test.
Add to that the fact that we were granted a government aid that gave us $10,000 towards the purchase of our first home. That meant that we could take out our loan for $10,000 less than the selling price of the house. Our home was appraised at $137,000 but since it is being sold by an uncle of mine, we are getting it for $87,000; in order to get the aid, the house has to sell for less than $90,000, after we were told that we were approved for the money, they called this week to let us know that they had decided to not give us the 10k because they didn’t believe that he would sell his house and lose $50,000. So, adding that money to the loan we have to make takes our monthly payment way more than we can afford. I always say, if something looks too good to be true, it usually is and I just got my point proved. Thank God I have really good people by my side and my mothers God mother offered to loan us the money we needed interest free and without having a set time to pay it back, of course I would have preferred to get the money from the government, but at least she made it possible to get our house. We had just gotten our tax returns done and were pleasantly surprised when we saw we were getting $733 back, I immediately thought about taking a mini vacation in December with that money or putting it down for a computer, but as you can see that wishful thinking was quickly turned to dust because of us having to pay off this money.
I get so tired of always have a battle. Things aren’t horrible, but they never seem to be great either. I have a lot to be grateful for but damnit these are my problems and even if they sound petty, I get tired of having to have so many things go wrong. Yesterday was my break down, I was frustrated and angry and tired of always having to act like I am the bravest person in the world and that nothing really hurts me because R and my family think I am going to go crazy (which sometimes I think I am, but lets keep that between us). I get tired of not seeing a reaction from R every time I get a negative test back.
To top it all of, my birthday is next Wednesday, have I ever mentioned how much I get depressed on my birthday? I always focus on the things I don’t have rather than focusing on what I do. This year the main thing to depress me is that I always said I wanted to be a young mother; I wanted to be able to relate to what my kids were going through when they were older, now I wonder how old I will be and if it will happen at all.
So that is me… gloomy gloomy Becky. The only thing that has made me smile this week is that I got a dog for our new home, he is so adorable, small and best of all so loyal, so this week we welcomed Nippy to our home. And by the way, R picked out the name.
r-y-r at 2:12 PM
