Thursday, Jan. 27, 2005
Mind games
I always say I am going to start updating this diary more often, although why anybody would believe me is beyond me. I never feel more like an old married person as when I try to think of anything interesting to write in here. My life has become a routine that I always said would never happen to me, but I am coming to realize that in the end it’s not as bad as I would have thought.
We finally moved into the house this past weekend, it seems so unreal, the house seems too big and I can hear our echoes if we talk from one room the other. It’s funny, I never used to feel afraid of any house and yet I feel uneasy in this one, maybe its all the space, maybe it’s the silence, I am not really sure, I am just hoping I get used to it soon.
On to other topics, I still have not gotten my period yet and due to the fact that I never know when I ovulate, I am not sure if I am late or not, day 28 of the cycle was last week, but I am terrified of taking a pregnancy test because I feel like I already know what the outcome will be, I don’t feel pregnant at all, none of the symptoms that everyone talks about are present.
This is only our first cycle of clomid, but it still terrifies me to think that this will not work. I dream of having a child and more so now that I have such a big house and no one to fill in the silence of it. I am trying my best to think positively, but sometimes it’s not that easy.
Whenever I try to talk about anything going wrong to R he immediately discards it and says, “don’t worry, everything is going to be ok, we will have children, it’s the same when I try approach the subject of one of us passing away while we are young, his answer to that is “nothing is going to happen to you, I don’t want to talk about it”. I can understand that these are difficult subjects, but I feel that they have to be talked about because if something like this were to happen, I don’t want it to smack us in the face and not be prepared.
This is also a subject that I feel you can’t really talk to everybody about because for people who haven’t had difficulty trying to conceive it would be hard to understand or relate, which is why I need him, I feel alone in my worries without anybody to tell me they understand what it is I am going through. I wonder if at one point in time everything will ever feel completely right, there are a lot of good things going for be, I have a good job, my relationship with my sister is a lot better than a year ago and I appreciate her more than words could express, I have a new house and a good husband, yet there is that constant worry that something is going to go wrong.
Maybe its all in my mind but lately I feel like I am sitting around expecting something to go wrong and screw up what I have now…. I don’t even know how to end this, so I will leave it as is……
r-y-r at 9:36 AM
