Wednesday, Oct. 27, 2004
Mixed rambling...fear, accidents and so much more
The first time I bought R over to my house was nerve racking, he was the first guy I had over to meet my parents after dating J for over 8 years. The day had gone by so perfectly, I had just told him I loved him the day before and I had met his mom that morning. We had a really great time. When he was going to leave, I walked him out and kissed him under the stars and was walking back inside, I would usually look back and blow him a kiss, but it didn’t feel right to do that, I thank God I didn’t. While I was walking back, I saw a car speeding right at me, the guy was speeding and drunk, I had enough time to run quickly and not be hit directly, but I was still hit with the side of his tire and his mirror. I was able to walk a couple of steps, all the while screaming for my father and he got there just in time to catch me as I fell to the floor. I knew I wasn’t going to die, but my legs felt as though they were on fire, my back was burning and I had broken off 7 of my 10 fingernails. I was so scared. To this day my leg hurts if you put too much pressure on it.
J had died of a motorcycle accident a couple of months previous to my accident. Suddenly cars and traffic and accidents are my worst fear. Every time R leaves the house I say a little prayer and hope he comes back safely. Last Saturday we were going out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary with my parents; when we went to pick them up it started raining, a big storm and we were stuck in the car waiting for my parents to be able to leave the house. We were parked in the exact spot where the car had hit me and I could see that the cars that were coming up the street couldn’t see properly, I kept asking R to move the car, but he didn’t pay attention, the cars kept on passing by extremely close and if they had hit us, they would have hit us on my side. Once my parents were in the car they said he shouldn’t have parked there, the cars kept getting closer and closer to my side and I told him again to please move, I think he felt attacked because all of a sudden he almost shouted “Stop being so ridiculous and relax, I am driving, just stop being so ridiculous”, I don’t know what bothered me most, that he was shouting in front of people or that he was dismissing my fear so easily, so I pinched him, pinched him hard so he would shut the fuck up. It worked; he didn’t say one word until we got to the restaurant.
On Monday when he got out of the shower I noticed that I had left a huge black and blue mark on his arm and I cried, I cried because I really lost it and couldn’t control my anger. It scares me that I would ever hurt anyone. Had it been the other way around, I probably would have not talked to him for a while and would be terrified that one day he might hit me. All he did was tell me not to cry, he said “it is OK Ma, you were just angry, it’s not like you hit me”, but it’s not OK, I can’t allow myself to get angry that way or let my fear get the best of me. When I saw that black and blue, I got scared again, but this time, I was scared of myself.
r-y-r at 9:12 AM
