Monday, Oct. 25, 2004
"Do you have any idea where you are going"?
There was a time about three years ago that I hated the person I was, it was difficult to see that I had gone from someone that was self-assured, I was what I considered a strong woman, I didn’t need a man to feel special and I knew that even if I felt lonely I had friends and family that loved me very much.
Things started to change when I broke up with J, I had decided I had had enough of the controlling and the jealousy and so I finally got the nerve to do what had to be done and broke it off (I am sure I have mentioned this before), and things were fine while I had the company of friends, I guess since I didn’t have a large group of friends it was harder on me when they all started dating people and I was put on the back burner, I don’t blame them but I contribute my downward spiral to this too. I began feeling lonely and thought that the way to feel better was to get back together with J, only he didn’t want to get back together, he wanted the sex and the power over me, but he didn’t want someone like me as a girlfriend. He told me so many times that I was a BAD person that I began to believe him.
I guess the reason I am bringing this up is because I remember at the time there were some billboards that were very popular, they were all black and just had a message all in white block letters and they were supposed to be from GOD. The first time I saw one was at the time where I felt the worst, I was driving to school and I looked up and read it, it said “Tienes idea de hacia donde vas?—Dios” which means “Do you have any idea where you are going?—GOD. I remember crying until I got to school which was a 35 minute commute because I knew my life had no direction, I was completely lost. I had stopped caring about myself, stopped loving myself and believed, really believed that I was such a horrible person. From that day on, I remember telling myself that I had to find the true me again, the person I was happy being and every time I had to drive past it, I would look at it and say “I still have no idea where I am going, but I am working on it”. I would like to say that I immediately stopped seeing J and didn’t let him manipulate me or use me anymore, but that would be a lie, but little by little I got back what I had lost and little by little I could look at myself in the mirror and love what I had hated for such a long time. Eventually I stopped seeing J; I stopped caring about what he thought. Recently, someone said to me “I know you are happy now, but I was wondering if you ever lie down at night and miss J” to which I answered “NO”, I feel bad for what was lost, it makes me sad that he never got a chance to enjoy the things he worked so hard to get and it saddens me that he is no longer here for his friends and family, but I don’t miss our relationship, I don’t miss the way he treated me. When you are hurt the way I was, you heal, but you ALWAYS have the scars”.
Last Friday, I saw the billboard again and I smiled, I smiled because I do know where I am going now, the road might not be smooth, but at least I have some direction. I am sure it could be possible to get lost, but I am almost positive that I will find my way again. I am headed in the direction I want, I am soon to be a home-owner, for the first time, in January I will be doing all that has to be done to begin a family, I am working on my friendships and relationships with family and working on being happy with who and what I have. I don’t feel lost all the time anymore; I am beginning to find myself.
r-y-r at 2:02 PM
