Monday, Jun. 14, 2004
Analyzing my lonliness
I have to thank Betty and Sue for there concern and great advice regarding my last entry. It has been a difficult week for me, and I am not sure where I can place the blame for it. Friday afternoon and Saturday were really good days for me, I guess something just changed yesterday though, yesterday was just like the past week had been. While I talked to my husband yesterday about it, right after I had bitched quite a bit, I got a lot of things out of the way as to why I feel the way I do. I can find many reasons but I guess its just the mixture of having both of our cars in the mechanics, not knowing how I am going to pay for the repairs to the car, having $13 dollars since last Tuesday, and not getting paid till tomorrow and to top it all off, we are working on the house that we are planning on purchasing and I cant sleep wondering how we are going to survive while paying $800 a month on a house when we can barely pay $693 now.
Now this is a big topic of discussion in my family, everybody is very excited about the house and my parents are helping out very much, so every time I bring up the difficulties we might have if we do buy this house, I get the speech I have come to hate, ¡§You cant be so negative, Do you think you will ever get this opportunity if you wait a couple of years?, Don¡¦t be scared of the responsibility, everybody has to get a loan to buy there first home. And you see, I know all of these things, I am positive this is a great opportunity, the price is unreal and the house is huge, I just wonder what we are going to do if lets say we have a baby and we have a week like the one we just had, how will we buy diapers for the baby, how will I pay for the babies health insurance, how will I feed him? I get shot down for questioning how we are going to get by for the next couple of years if things don¡¦t get better financially for both of us? Jobs here in Puerto Rico are not easy to come by, and at least I get paid a good salary for a secretary here where I work now. But what happens if for some reason work starts to go slow and I get fired or for some reason lose my job. This is not something that anybody has thought about.
Right now both me and my husband have loans that have to be paid, the term of my loan is for 4 more years and my husbands is for 8 more years, we were thinking of taking a loan for the amount of the house plus what we owe so we can pay those two loans and just have one payment, that would mean taking out a mortgage of over $100,000, and it means extending the interest rate of those extra $30,000 dollars for the period of 30 years instead of 4 and nine. This is something that has been worrying me, I mean if we stayed with those 2 loans we will be tight on money, but at least in 4 years things would be a little better and in 9 they would be a lot better, but if we do the whole consolidating thing, we will be tight on money for 30 years. Maybe I am just being a pessimist, but I see it as being a realist. We have another option on this which would be my parents buying the house and us renting it until we get done paying our loans, but R is not happy about that option because he says that would give my parents the right to do anything in or to the house and he doesn¡¦t want that. So as you see, I have a big decision to make and a lot on my plate.
What I have discovered however is that I have been so down and it has been so difficult to deal with for a couple of reasons: When I was sad in the past, I was always able to go out with friends and not have to think about anything, I used to be single and had a lot of time for my friends I could also go out anywhere and whenever I wanted, therefore not giving myself time to think and I the major thing I have noticed is that I am the type of person that when is depressed eats. Stress makes me eat also, the problem with this is that I have been seriously dieting these past three weeks and for the past two, I have been taking appetite suppressants, I have seen great results in my weight, but not so great on my mood. I cry at everything and my hormones are sky rocketing and I can¡¦t turn to food to make that feel better.
Maybe I do need counseling, maybe I have to learn how to deal with these problems in a better way and I have to learn how to control my emotions. Can you imagine this basket case getting pregnant, I would feel so sorry for my loved ones, my hormones would be totally out of control. The only positive part of this is that I have lost about 5 pounds already, and in that aspect, I feel really good. ļ
r-y-r at 10:22 AM
