Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004
I am lonely!!!
I don’t think I had realized how lonely I have been lately until yesterday. I shouldn’t feel this way, My life is filled with people that love me, I am sure of this, but ever since I got married, I see less and less of my friends and most of my family. The only people I speak to are my husband and my mom on a daily basis. My co-workers are all men and I feel I have nothing in common with them. They often go weeks without having to come into the office, so I sometimes spend days on end without having someone to have a conversation with.
Yesterday, while attempting to have a conversation with my husband about things that go on at work, he said one of his stupid comments, I think it was “oh well” which only makes me want to shut up and not tell him about my day or anything else. He seems to do that a lot to me, I will begin a topic of conversation, and he will say something, be it making a joke or just something that makes me see he is not interested in what I have to say, and I find myself getting angry, because damn, I want somebody to talk to. I couldn’t take anymore of it yesterday, and as he sat on the porch, I asked him to say something about his co-workers to me, anything that had nothing to do about him, when he did, I said “oh, well”, I asked him how that made him feel, because it made me feel like he could give a rats ass about what I was talking to him. I actually burst out crying because he will never understand what it is like to go 8 hours a day without having a friend to talk to at work, or how it feels to have to eat lunch everyday by yourself, while you see others going to lunch together.
I feel that I am a very nice person, sociable, I can talk to anyone, I am the type to talk to the people waiting in the doctor’s office, or the person waiting in line at the supermarket, yet I have no social skills when it comes to making friends & maintaining them. I have 2 very close girlfriends who I see every now and then and 2 sisters I hardly see. I know it is my fault, I don’t call enough and don’t have that much time to go visit with work, getting used to married life and spending quality time with my husband and having to go visit my in-laws almost every weekend when they live an hour away (it takes up all of our day). I work in a building with 9 floors and a ton of offices, I see so many of the people that work in different offices having lunch together, talking, having a nice time together, however, I am never a part of it. Yesterday, one of the girls was talking to me and the subject of my diet came up, she is in need of losing weight also, so she suggested we do it together, kind of like a support group, you have no idea how happy I was that she wanted to do that, maybe having someone to have lunch with from time to time, I felt like the grade school child who no one plays with, finally finding that one person who would keep her company.
I even find it difficult to make on-line friends, I see so many people get tons of notes and guestbook entries, so many people adding others to there favorites, yet I hardly get any. I wonder if I am boring or if I come off as stand offish, I don’t mean to be any of those things, I just have no outlet to my emotions, I don’t know how to express myself sometimes and I am panicked of being hurt, of letting too much of myself out there. I am in need of a friend, someone to talk to, to be able to let them know that I am scared for a ton of reasons, for someone to understand and to just let me speak, for someone who doesn’t want to solve my problems or tell me everything will be fine, I just want someone who will be my friend and listen.
So there you have it, I am lonely, and I don’t have a perfect life, far from it.
r-y-r at 11:19 AM
