Monday, Jun. 07, 2004
I am sooooo tired of it
As I sit here typing this, I am about to burst out in tears. I swear, I don’t know why I was always is such a hurry to grow up, I was well aware when I got married that things were going to change, I just didn’t figure that all the bad days were going to be thrown my way all at the same time and while I know that there are a lot of other people who are going through things that are worse, but right now, this is MY problem and I don’t know how to keep a happy face about it.
When I got married, I always said that I didn’t want to have to count on anybody for help, and although sometimes we have had to ask my parents for some help financially, we have always been able to pay her back. Well for almost 3 weeks now my car has been in the shop, and it is going to cost over $600 to fix it. I was frustrated as is, but at least I knew that we had that money coming to us and we could pay it. Now on Saturday, R came home and told me that his car was acting up, but he was sure it would be something simple, like anything is for us. When he took the car in today, they told him that the parts would come out to $200. I have no idea how we are going to come up with that money and I am tired of having to ask my parents. I have never felt like such a little girl as I do now that I am married. I hadn’t depended on my parents for anything since I got out of high school, now it seems that sometimes they have to take more care of me than before. R helps out as much as he can, but when we got married, I knew he had some major debts and that he had to deal with those also.
I am sooo tired of having to put on a happy face and saying that everything is going to be all right, I am tired of having to act like nothing is bothering me so that everybody can stay calm and not freak out because they think I can’t deal. I can deal but FUCK I am just so tired of the situation already. I have a lot of good things in my life and I am grateful for them, but right now I am tired and all I want to do is cry without somebody telling me I have to deal, or that things are always like that for newlyweds. What I want to do is say FUCK OFF and let me have my pity party, my temper tantrum and THEN I CAN DEAL WITH IT.
But for now, I am at work and have to put on yet again the happy face, “Yes boss, what can I get for you”, “Good afternoon, what can I do for YOU?” “Of course I can help you with your financial statement, how much assets do I put down? Three million in assets you say?” Or better yet, I can watch TV or read the news and see how Marc Anthony just got divorced and had to pay his wife and children $16,500 in child support and alimony while I get no sleep wondering how I am going to get my cars fixed and not have to pay rent for the rest of my life.
So there you have it, the bitter, sarcastic Becky who just could give a shit today. Sorry for the update, I know it’s a downer
r-y-r at 3:16 PM
