Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004
Four-month aniversary
Today is our four-month anniversary. If I close my eyes, I can feel all of the things I experienced that day to a tee. It was the scariest, happiest and most confusing day of my life and if I had the chance I wouldn’t change anything.
I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful man by my side. I am smart enough to see that I have to start controlling my temper, so that I can keep this man by my side forever. I can’t see myself without his presence. I love looking at him and hugging him when he is asleep, I love taking care of him; I actually like worrying about him, because it makes me feel that I have purpose in life. I never realized how empty my life was before him. I was fortunate enough to have friends and have a great social life, I was never home on a weekend, and I took salsa lessons and felt free. I had a good job and enough income to allow me to have anything I needed and yet I was empty. Now, I hardly ever go out, I don’t see many of my friends, my husband cant dance and our financial situation is one to worry about sometimes and yet, I am happy, I am complete.
I won’t deny that sometimes the fear of losing this is overwhelming, you cant go through such unhappiness as I have and not believe that at some point it will be taken away. I try very hard to live life day by day and feel blessed with the time that I have, but I wont deny that sometimes, when fear just overcomes me, I turn into my worst enemy. I become a person that I hate, I find myself being horrible, I find myself testing him, just to see if he will run away and that way we can put aside the fear of him leaving and putting an end to it by him packing his things. I guess I have to learn to have faith in him, but most of all faith in myself. Faith that he will not hurt me, faith that I make a relationship work, faith that our love is big enough to endure the test of time, commitment, hardships and shortcomings.
I live my life in fear of changes, but I know I can overcome the things that may not turn out the way I expect them. I have proved to myself time and again that I am strong and I used to believe in myself automatically, now it takes convincing on my part, I have to tell myself that I can do this, I can make this work and if for some reason, it is not meant to last, then I have to tell myself that I can overcome it.
r-y-r at 1:44 PM
