Wednesday, Feb. 04, 2004
Feeling inadequate
I am feeling so inadequate today. I feel sad, tired and depressed. I am taking it out on people who don’t deserve it and I want it to stop.
I have no idea what is making me feel this way. Yesterday afternoon was just so emotional for no particular reason. I cried at everything, I felt uncomfortable around my husband and this makes feel so bad because I know he notices it and feels terrible about it. When he asks me what is wrong I have no answer for him. I don’t know what to say.
I have so many things on my mind that could be causing all of this; I am not sure what it is. It could be the fact that no matter how good I try to be about food, no matter that I am avoiding sweets, soda, rice, bread, etc I am gaining weight and I don’t know what else I can do, Or the fact that I feel so sick of myself when I look in the mirror. No longer do I feel beautiful and have such high self-esteem as I used to. I absolutely feel sick, I get tired and I find no solutions. I feel helpless and I feel disgusted with myself. Intimacy is no longer as enjoyable as I cant like myself enough.
It could also be that my husband and I will be spending my birthday together for the first time and also Valentines Day and we don’t have enough money to do something special. We don’t have enough to exchange gifts.
Maybe I am just depressed about my birthday coming up, I have never liked being older. Maybe it’s all of these things mixed up together. Our financial difficulties, my inadequacy and low self esteem, or the fact that I feel like I cant do anything right these days. I used to be able to lose weight whenever I felt the need, I used to feel sexy and beautiful when I made love to my husband, I used to be able to buy him the things he needed. I used to not screw up when it comes to house chores and money. Lately nothing goes the right way.
I know I should be thankful for the things that are going great, and I am, but reality is that I am not perfect and sometimes I get tired of being positive and always having to take care of every situation and try to let everyone down. I want to be more of a wife and less of a mother to my husband and lately that is the way I feel.
I am feeling very inadequate and very unhappy
r-y-r at 9:01 AM
