Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004
Scared and Hurt
Yesterday I realized some things that are very painful and scary to me. For no reason at all I was snapping all night at my husband, just being mean. After he showered he lay down on the bed and I immediately went to shower myself. When I got out and put on my clothes, I lay down to read a magazine and while just looking at me he just asked, “Do you want me to get you something to eat?” I answered no, but felt so horrible because no matter how mean I am to him he always seems to be nice to me, so after I felt bad, I asked him if he wanted me to get him anything, he just answered “I had a really hard day at work and I am tired, the only thing I want is to be close to you and for you to give me some attention. My God, I wanted to die.
The first things that came to mind were 1) I really don’t deserve him and if I keep this up I will lose him because he is going to get tired of this. 2) I have been so hurt and gave myself up so completely in the past that I cant give myself completely without being terrified of getting hurt. There have been so many times that I have cried myself to sleep because of how horrible I have treated my husband. I have to change, I need him in my life more than I need air. Those two things hurt me and scare me beyond belief.
r-y-r at 2:43 PM
