Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004
The story of J
When you begin a new relationship after being in a relationship that was both hurtful, and harmful, you have to realize that starting anew is very complicated, at least it was for me, at the very beginning. I had to do a lot of soul searching in order to believe in my husband and trust him, I had to believe in him before I was able to give up my heart and commit my life to him because what I had before him was TOXIC. I had to believe in God and in myself before I knew I could love him and give him my all and this is why…
My relationship with J was so complex, I met him when I was just 14 and started dating him a month after we met. He was already 18 and out of high school. Everybody would tell me “think about it, I don’t think he is the right guy for you, he is too old for you” and I never listened. After only 7 months of dating I lost my virginity to him, the pressure he made on me was too big to say no and when you are just 14 you have no idea of how to put an end to something that was to big from the get go. I let him become my world even though I knew that wasn’t what I wanted. He was so possessive that saying NO to him or going against his wishes made him mad for days on end and at that time I believed I loved him so much that I didn’t want to risk him not wanting me. It got to the point where I couldn’t have friends, because every time I wanted to see them or go out with them I was too afraid to ask him, It had gotten to the point where I had to ask him permission before I asked my father.
Many times I tried to break it off, I would make the choice of leaving him and then come back a few months later. I was too scared of being alone. I don’t think people realize that the hardest months after a breakup or someone’s death are not always the first ones, in my opinion the first months aren’t so difficult because there are always people around, checking on you, making sure you are not alone, making sure you are OK. A few months later people continue with their life and immediately think you are ok, and suddenly no one comes around, nobody calls and that is when you realize that you are alone. Anyway, every time I broke up with him and came back he would make me go through the most difficult times, he would make me “Win” back his love and his trust, you see no matter how many times I tried to explain that I didn’t leave him to be with anybody else, he never believed me, he always said he knew there was someone more. In the seventh year of our relationship J started making plans for us to get married, he never asked and I never got an engagement ring. On my fathers birthday party he just told everybody that he wanted to ask for my hand in marriage and I panicked. I let this continue until one weekend he went on a trip to the Dominican Republic and that weekend I went out with friends. The first thing he asked me was “What did you do this weekend?” I told him the truth and he went off on me, saying that he couldn’t believe the type of woman I was going out to bars. That’s when I decided to tell him I couldn’t marry him; I said “ I cant marry you, I love you but I am not in love with you, I feel that if I marry you I will become a prisoner in my own home, there are so many things I want to do in my life and I know If I marry you, you wont allow me to do them.
I wish I could say that’s where it ends, it doesn’t… Four months after I broke up with him I felt so alone, I called him and told him that I didn’t know why I had broken up, that I was lonely and still loved me and guess what, The guy who had said he loved me more than life was already dating someone else. The thing that hurts me the most was knowing that I let him use me; I let him take advantage of me and humiliate me. I answered every call he made, even knowing that he had someone else and that all he wanted was sex. I let this go on for way to long, I let this go on for a year until I opened my eyes. Once I started dating someone else a year later he appeared again, doing everything possible to get me back and I fell for it one more time, we were actually happy for a month and then the jealousy began again and I couldn’t do it, I did everything I could so he would break up with me, I didn’t want the feeling of doing that again. Six months after that I was able to get in touch with him and we began seeing each other because we were lonely, we were friends, nothing more. On January 5, 2003 I saw him at a party and we slept together, on January 10, 2003 he called me and said that all it had been was a huge mistake, he used the one thing he could to humiliate me and all I did was agree. The 5th was the last time I saw him and the 10th the last time I spoke to him. On January 19, 2003 he was killed in a motorcycle accident. My relationship with him was a very humiliating one, especially because I have no one to blame but myself for putting up with that situation. I have to say that he hurt beyond belief and I admit that I hurt him too. At one point of my life I used to say I wanted to live my life without regrets, and now I have many. There are too many things I would change. Would I change the fact that we were together? NO. I learned too much about myself to regret it. Would I do it again? NO. I don’t believe I am strong enough to pull through that. In those eight years I lost myself. I lost the person I wanted to be, for what he wanted me to be. Its hard being angry with someone who isn’t here, but sometimes I am.
I am happy now, I have found someone who loves me and respects me. Someone who is my age and loves me for me, not the person he wants me to be. Someone who is at the same point in his life that I am in mine. For that gift I am forever grateful. I just have to get over this fear of getting hurt; the fear of losing him and things could be perfect. They aren’t because of my fears. I have to overcome this. I really want to have an eternal relationship with my husband and if there is one thing that I love about our relationship is the fact that there is one doubt that will never cross my mind…. I will never doubt his dedication and his love for me, but what’s best is that I wont doubt my love and dedication for him.
r-y-r at 3:16 PM
