Tuesday, Jan. 20, 2004
The letter you will never read
Yesterday was a stressful day for me and if you read the entry before this one you will see why, basically I was feeling bad about not being sadder about the one year anniversary of the death of my ex boyfriend. So after reading a note from wifemotherme (her diary is wifemotherme.diaryland.com)…(I would link if I knew how to.) I decided to write my ex-boyfriend a letter even though I know he will not be able to read it, I have faith in God that he knows I am writing it.
J:
Today its been a year that you went away and at this very moment I can close my eyes and still see everything that happened that day, every word that was said, every feeling that coursed through my body at the moment they told me of your accident. Very few times when I remember that day do I remember seeing your body laying on the pavement of that street… those memories are the most hurtful ones of your death.
We had not been together as boyfriend and girlfriend for over two years, yet we always hung around in case the other changed there mind about our break-up. I really believed we were friends at that point, even though time and again I would go to you when you needed affection*. I thought we were friends and we hadn’t spoken for over two weeks from the day you died. You may never know the humiliations I had to go through when you died. I went through everything you could imagine, I would say it was worse than when you would humiliate me as a woman, but I have no one to blame but me on that one. I had to handle your friends looking down on me when I was at your wake; I believe that they must not know that you hurt me just as much as I hurt you. I had to handle some of your family asking out loud and very rudely what I was doing there, I didn’t seem to belong but the worse part for me is that I have had to endure endless comments from everybody about how soon I got married after your death because your sister decided to tell everybody we were still together. I have had to see your mom and sisters look down on me as if I were some kind of slut because I was lucky enough to find someone who loved me and supported me, someone who respects me as a person and loves me not only as a wife but also as a friend. So you see, life has not been easy since you died in many ways because I have endured all of these things and just turned the other cheek because you meant a great deal to me. Maybe I have taken out all of my frustration with that situation on you and I guess I just don’t know how to feel towards you, for this I am truly sorry. I am sure that at some point all of these things will just be painful memories and you will once again be the person I loved for so long and I can mourn your death the way I am supposed to.
I thank God everyday for him being so giving, you see I have gone through a lot this past year, some very upsetting things, but He has given me so many things in return… I have a husband whom I love and adore and I can say with certainty that the feeling is mutual; I gained a beautiful second family when I married him, I gained self-respect and I learned the love of God. All in all life has taken away, but God has given more than its share in return.
I guess what I am saying is that I do mourn you, your death does hurt me, and I just don’t know how to express it. I am sorry if you are also hurt, but in my mind where I want everything to be beautiful, I believe that maybe you helped put all of these beautiful people and experiences in my path, it certainly is a better outcome than you being angry with me.
I promise in time I will go back to see you, I just need to get over this anger first, in time I am sure ALL of my wounds will heal. Till that time, I bid you goodbye.
Love always, B
r-y-r at 2:43 PM
