Monday, Jan. 19, 2004
Death-One year anniversary
Today is the one-year anniversary of the death of the person who was my boyfriend for eight years (if you want to know more about that please read the entry called “The Story of Us”). If you have already read that entry you will know that I am now married to someone else and that I have moved on.
The thing that is bothering me though is that I feel so horribly wrong about not being sadder than I am. I feel that I am selfish for being so happy with my life now; it’s like the loss of his life means nothing and that is really getting to me. I know in my heart that it does mean something and I am very sad, but I don’t know how to express these feelings. Everybody that knows that today is the anniversary looks at me, expecting me to break down, to break apart, but I don’t feel that coming on.
When I decided to get married, I knew that I had to leave all of my past behind me, but I feel that some how I have managed to erase that part of me. Where are the tears that should be consuming me today? Where is that part of me that shouldn’t be laughing? Where has my heart gone? I know I am not heartless because I feel love for many people and I do feel regret and pain, but I don’t feel how people expect me to feel, I don’t feel the way I think I should feel. When it comes to that I think I have blocked it out and I can’t feel anything about it. If only one feeling is ever present is anger; I am angry at him for being so stupid and riding that motorcycle so fast, I am angry at his parents for not understanding that we were just friends when he died and for them being angry at me for getting married. I am angry with myself for not feeling sadder about his death today that it has been a year. And yet, I am happy with my life, I am happy with my marriage, I love my family and love and adore my husband, I couldn’t be happier with my life right now.
What is wrong with me? Why am I like this when it comes to him? Why do I feel so empty when it comes to him? Where did the love go? Where have all the feelings gone?
I guess I am just rambling, if anybody has a theory to any of these questions, I would love to hear them…
B
r-y-r at 2:26 PM
